


Heavy is the head that wears the crown

by Lavanyaa



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Camelot, Episode: s05e12-13 The Diamond of the Day, Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, Gen, Gwen-centric, Heartbreak, Hope, Hopeful Ending, Parent Gaius (Merlin), Past Lives, Post-Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, Sad, Sad and Beautiful, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-01-20 18:44:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21286409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavanyaa/pseuds/Lavanyaa
Summary: The only person whom she wished would come back to her, could never be back again. And the only person whom she needed by her side, to hold her while she crumbles to the ground, breaking, didn't want to be here.Gwen was alone, even if she was surrounded by her citizens and most trusted people. She felt like she was drowning despite the firm ground under her feet.
Relationships: Gaius & Gwen (Merlin), Gwen & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwen & Leon (Merlin), Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Still. I rise.

**Author's Note:**

> Gwen is the most amazing and kindest person ever and I can't believe I never wrote a fic about her so here it is. This was supposed to be one shot but... you know me. I never stick to my plan.
> 
> So this takes places a few days/weeks after the last episode, and it focuses more on Gwen, even if we have little scene with Leon and another with Gaius and his struggle with losing Arthur and Merlin.
> 
> This will have four chapters and will be posted weekly, and the best news? they're completed!!! Which means, you'll get it on time and this is finally a promis I can keep /hallelujah/.
> 
> Anyway, enough rambling, enjoy ♥️

** _"Uneasy_ **

** _ lies the head_ **

** _ that wears a crown." _ **

**_William Shakespeare_**

The pain of losing someone is destructive and exhausting at the same time. Gwen wasn't new to grief. She had lost her mother, her father, and her brother in the past few years of her life and she had made it to today. But this loss was beyond anything she had never felt before, it was new yet familiar. Losing a husband was awfully painful, and that loss, accompanied by the death of a dear friend, and the loss of her most beloved friend, was unbelievable and terribly heart-wrenching. 

Gwen was troubled. Both mentally and physically. She could feel the weight of her duty toward their- her Kingdom pulling her down. Gaius had advised her a few days of rest but she hadn't listened. There were so, so many things to settle, and to work on. Fortunately, she had the help of the Knights and advisors of Camelot. But the pressure and stress were still suffocating her, it had been really hard, especially without… _him_, to guide a Kingdom which was mourning, still dealing with their losses and griefs. And when the only person left to rule the Kingdom was even more struggling with a loss crushing her heart, and guilt and worry clouding her mind, the duty amongst her people becomes even more difficult to realize. 

She was drowning, in suffering, and hopelessness, and nobody was at her side to pull her back to the light. 

The Knights and advisors helped. The Council had spent days with her, proposing new ideas on how to adjust a Kingdom which had lost its King. It had given her advices and political support. Plus, the allies of others kingdoms had proposed help to. Mithian had been incredibly kind and helpful. 

The Knights were lost without their leader. She could see it in their eyes. There were unfocused and drown in mourning the loss of their King. They had been so used to have him by their side, now they feel like in a new world with absolutely nothing to guide them through this new, dark time. It made Gwen feel like even more helpless because she was feeling the exact same feeling without having him by her side, and she had no idea how to pull herself out of this dark loophole of pain and loss, how to deal with her grief, and she definitely didn't know how to help others. It was an endless circle of helplessness and hopelessness. 

The only person whom she wished would come back to her, **_could never_** be back again. And the only person whom she needed by her side, to hold her while she crumbles to the ground, breaking, **_didn't want_** to be here. 

Gwen was alone, even if she was surrounded by her citizens and most trusted people. She felt like she was drowning despite the firm ground under her feet. 

She didn't think she would have survived this if it hadn't been for her friends. Gaius and Leon had been wonderful, being by her side this whole time. Percival had been an empty shell with a broken heart and a troubled mind ever since he came back from the battle. He had been silent ever since. His gaze staring in void, avoiding everyone's eyes, making himself smaller than ever. Gwen felt like every strength of Percival had left him. She could see it in how he stands, his shoulders dropped, his arms laying by his side, lifeless. She could see, the rest of his life leaving his soul as the days passed. But he was still here, by her side, protecting her people. 

It saddened her. Losing so many people at once. Her knights. The citizens. Gwaine. Arthur. 

Merlin. 

He didn't die, Gaius was sure about it, but she hadn't seen him since the day she learned Arthur passed and she had been worried ever since. She couldn't even begin to imagine what he was going through. Even before she had become close to Arthur, she knew how much Merlin cared about him. And as years passed, they weren't just a King and a servant, they had become so much more, and Gwen couldn't find the right word to describe the relationship they grew into. It was something between a simple job and devotion, between friendship and love, life and destiny. And as much as Merlin cared about Arthur, she knew Arthur cared about Merlin that much, or maybe even more, she could tell. She had seen it by her own eyes so many times. Everyone had. 

God, she missed him. The first day, when she had knew about who Merlin really was, she hadn't been surprised, because deep down it made sense. He had always been there, by Arthur's side, their side, the whole time. So of course, she hadn't been surprised, she was glad, happy. And she had known that he would do anything to save Arthur. She had hope. But Arthur hadn't been saved, and then everything around her came crashing down. After the realization that Arthur had passed, happened, her mind clouded with worry and guilt, for Merlin. Maybe she could have done something, she could have helped. But she hadn't. And now, Arthur was dead and Merlin was gone. 

Well, not technically gone, but… He was away. She knew where he was, at first Gaius had left, right after he had learned about Arthur. And he had came back alone, feeling even smaller and sadder. That time she had knew, she wasn't going to see him again. She was lonely and scared and the only person who could help her wasn't here. She sighed, and shook her head, putting down on the desk, the papers she was signing, feeling the tiredness reach her mind. She could feel it in her bones and heart, pulling her underground. All she wanted to do was to sleep and to wake up to her past, where everything was perfect and happy. Now, all she felt was pain and suffering. 

She had always been a supportive hand concerning the political dealing of Camelot. She had supported Arthur in his decisions and had been on his side, helping him with the decisions he struggled with, being the moral support he needed her to be. But she hadn't been only a support, she had been a _part_ of ruling the Kingdom with Arthur, he had made sure she felt like it. Arthur had made sure she would have a place in every decisions he made, and a voice when she needed to be heard. She had felt listened and seen in a new way, when she had become Queen, in a way she never knew she needed. She had always wanted to help people, and becoming Queen had not only made it easier, but it had given a way to become someone she had always wanted to be. Arthur had made that happen, they had made this happen. 

She had loved him so much. She still did. She didn't think she will ever stop. When he had left for the battle, she had never felt so scared and alone, staying behind and watching him walk through death and suffering. She had wanted to go with him. But she had knew that she needed to stay behind, where their people needed her the most. She had watched him walk away, into his death, his doom. The only comfort she had find was the thought that Merlin had been with him, just like always, by his side, protecting him. Even if she had never seen it, she had knew that Merlin always had a part in how Arthur always came back to her, to his people, alive and safe. She just hadn't knew _how_ Merlin was involved. Now, she did, and her heart ached, for both of them.

Arthur, deep down, had known that Merlin always saved his life, one way or another. Gwen was sure of it. But Arthur didn't have the time to hear all about it, about _everything_ Merlin had done for him. He would never have the time to know everything Merlin had done for him, his people, his family, his friends. Merlin had been in the shadows for so long, people started to ignore him, while he had been the only reason why they always had been standing alive. He had been so used to be looked down, he had hidden himself behind his title of a servant, to do the job of a protector, of gardien, not only for the whole Kingdom, but particularly for Arthur. Their King. 

She couldn't even begin to imagine how Merlin must be feeling right now. Or maybe she could. She had loved Arthur and Merlin had loved him too, in a way, she was sure of it. Maybe it was something more than love and devotion. How could you call this? How do you put a name to this devotion? This undying loyalty Merlin had had for Arthur, for years? How do you call this eternal help you give to someone regardless of the recognition you don't get? Even if there was a word, it wouldn't be enough to describe how Merlin had felt about Arthur in order to do everything he had done for him, for all this time. He hadn't purchased fame, money, titles, or any thanks, from anyone, he had simply stayed at Arthur's side, and helped him. It was as simple and as complicated as that. She didn't know how Merlin had done this. Hiding himself from the people he cared about the most, only to protect them, by wearing a mask of someone he had never been, only to make himself seen as someone unimportant, while he had been, all this time, the only reason why everyone here had made it so far. He had been their hope, light and strength for so long, while hiding in darkness. 

How must he feel now? After losing someone he had been protecting for years, ever since he had stepped into this Kingdom? After losing someone who had been at his side for so many years, a shadow never leaving his own? 

Gwen swallowed, blinking a few times, trying to keep her tears from falling down on her cheeks. Thinking about Merlin's pain only increased hers. 

She felt like suffocating. Like she was missing a part of herself. And the fact she was acknowledging it, and not pushing the pain away, only made this worst. She looked around and saw only emptiness. While, a time ago, this room was filled with light and love. Voices of two other men, fighting over, and arguing about every little thing. The voices of her husband and her friend. Now, they were both gone and Gwen was left alone in this place, where every corner of it reminded her of what she lost. Maybe this was why Merlin didn't want to come back. Living here would be so hard, with every memories of his past life making fun of him, of his loss. She understood. She knew why Merlin wouldn't come back.

But the other part of her, was angry, even if she didn't want to be. She wanted him here. She needed him here. After Arthur, there was no one else she trusts more than Merlin. But he wasn't here, and she was alone in this big castle, filled only with memories and lost dreams, haunted by the face of the man she just lost. 

Thinking about Arthur hurted, and not thinking about him only hurted more. She had loved him with everything she had, and now that he was gone, she felt like she was lifeless in a body functioning like a machine. She felt dead inside and all she wanted to do was to get in their bed and never leave it again, to live in the world of dreams forever, ignoring the reality of her current life. But she couldn't do that. Her people expected so much of her and she had to take care of them. That was what he would have wanted her to do. 

A tiny part of her mind also told her he would have wanted her to take her of herself but she pushed that thought away. 

** _"You never know _ **

** _how strong you are, _ **

** _Until being strong _ **

** _is the only choice you have."_ **

** _Bob Marley. _ **


	2. It hurts because it matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwen and Gaius have a discussion about their struggles and hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 2, happy reading !
> 
> The title of this chapter is a quote from John Green.

** _"Sometimes, _ **

** _surviving is the _ **

** _worst kind of pain." _ **

** _\- Unknown author. _ **

She was working on something important and meaningful, for Arthur and Merlin, and she needed to be perfect at this. There were so many people to convince and so many people to meet, yet so little time left. This needed to be done now. It was the only way she could think of to thank Merlin, it would be the first thing Arthur would have done if he was still here. 

Looking around, Gwen realized how nothing changed, yet everything seemed to be different. She hadn't touch a thing in their room, she had left everything the way it had been, yet she couldn't help but to notice how all seemed, awfully new. It was incredibly surprising how a loss of someone could kill everything around you. Everything was dark and Gwen was swimming through the emptiness, looking for an anchor, knowing she would never find the one she need, the one she was hopelessly craving for. There was no way of getting back what she lost. There was no way of bringing Arthur back from the dead and there was no way to find Merlin. And even if she did, somehow, she knew nothing what she could say would convince him to come back hope. Simply because this wasn't home anymore. Not for Merlin. Not for her. A part of her envied him, she envied his strength to stay away from this place. She could only wish to do the same. 

She would probably never see him again. A quiet, yet strong sob burst out of her, surprising her, as the thought of never seeing her best friend crossed her mind. She quickly wiped her tears away with one hand as the other one clamped her mouth shut, as she desperately tried to push away the threatening sobs which made their way out of her throat. She swallowed a few times, her throat aching as her eyes shut for a few seconds, fighting against the tears behind her eyelids. She was emotionally ruined and she could do nothing but to push her breakdown as far as she could. She couldn't break now. There was so much to do. She had cried once, it hadn't been enough, but it had to do for now. There were important works to be done, leaders to meet and Druids to talk to, in order to do what she wanted to do. It was going to take months and probably years, and she needed to be strong if she wanted to remain the Queen of her Kingdom. She needed to be the invincible Queen her people need her to be. She couldn't cry now. She shouldn't. If she started, she would never be able to stop.

So she cleaned her tears and swallowed down her sobs, took a long, deep, wavering, breath, and opened her eyes again. She let them roam around the room, noticing how untidy it was, yet she couldn't find the heart to call a servant to clean it all up. She had spend every day of the week in this room, and she couldn't find the heart to move the things out of her way. She wanted them to be the way they were before everything changed, everyone left, only for a little while. 

She looked down on her desk, and read her speech again, unable to focus but desperately trying to pay attention to the words she wrote down. Her speech needed to be perfect if she needed this deal to work. 

She sighed again, resting her back against the chair, _his_ chair, almost smiling as warmth spread around her. She flinched when someone knocked at their- her bedroom door. She clenched her eyes shut for a second and opened them again, hoping the tiredness she was feeling wouldn't be present in her gaze. 

"Enter." answered Gwen, loudly, putting a smile on her face, a fake one, obviously, prepared to deal with whoever was waiting on the other side of the door. 

A few seconds passed before the doors where pushed open by guards, then Gaius appeared, and Gwen felt her smile waver, but she kept still, putting her arms on the desk, looking at Gaius with a look she hoped to be confident. 

"Gaius, what can I do for you?" asked Gwen, grimacing internally by hearing how hoarse her voice sounded, as if she didn't drink water for a week. She probably didn't. 

"Taking of yourself would be a good start, but I don't think I might be able to force you to do something you don't want to." replied Gaius, his shoulders down, head bowing. 

She smiled, gratitude making its way in her heart. 

"Gaius, I told you, I am fine-" 

"Gwen, you were first like a daughter to me, before you became a Queen. I know when you're lying to me. My Lady." 

"I've told you numerous times there was no need to call me by my title, Gaius. I'll always be Gwen to you." said Gwen, her forced smile disappearing to let a honest one appear on her face. She saw Gaius' lips twitch, and for the first time, she _really_ looked at him. 

He looked more tired than her. Or maybe he was tired as much as she was. He had lost people too. Family. Friends. A King. A son. Arthur may had been a Prince and a King by title, but Gaius had watched him grow up from a kid, to a boy, to a man. Gaius had watched him become a better version of himself, passing every battles and wars and coming out as the King they all deserved to had. Gaius hadn't been just a confident to Uther, he also had been Arthur's mentor, a friend. The one he had went to when he faced troubles and was looking for answers. They had a bond, a relationship, as strong as father and son, king and citizen. Gaius had always trusted Arthur, and Gwen knew, that he had kept hope that Arthur would come back from the battle well and alive. And when he had found out about Arthur's passing, Gwen had seen the life leave his eyes, the hope die in his heart. She knew that the pain she had seen in him wasn't only the result of losing Arthur, but also caused by the realization of Merlin never coming back to them, to him. 

Gaius had never had to say it, but Gwen, just as much as everyone, was aware that Gaius loved Merlin like a son. Gaius had never had a son and Merlin had never met his own father. They had met and found each other, and loved each other as much as a father and son would. And the pain of losing a son was… unbearable. Merlin didn't die. But the pain of knowing that he was alive and would never see him again, was somehow worse. Because in this case, there was no closure. No one had any idea where Merlin was and the one who suffered his loss the most, was Gaius. He had seen him grow into this fine, strong, confident man, all alone by his side, and now, suddenly he was gone. Gone out of everyone's life. His absence would be felt by everyone in the castle, in the Kingdom. His contagious humor and laughter, his funny manners and his way of saying things… It was as if all life and light had been sucked out of Camelot. Gwen couldn't blame any of them : she also missed, both of them, terribly, so much, it started to hurt. But she couldn't imagine what Gaius was going through. He looked so much older and burdened as ever. 

"When was the last time you slept properly, Gaius?" asked Gwen, her voice filled with worry and guilt. She had been wallowing in her grief so much, she hadn't been able to comfort others. 

Gaius smiled at her sadly, still standing in front of her, his hands folded together, in a sign of respect. When Gaius didn't answer her, she put the inked feather down, pushed away the parchment she was writing on, to the side, and gestured her hand toward the wooden chair facing the other side of her desk. 

Understanding, Gaius walked toward her and sat down, with a smile and slight grimace, as his bones cracked, and he sighed, closing his eyes for a few seconds before staring at Gwen, with kindness and compassion. 

"I'm fine, Guinevere. You are the one who you should be worried about."

"I have work to do, Gaius, I can't take time for myself. Not right now." replied Gwen, with a sad smile at Gaius, her eyes soft and tired. 

"If you crumble, Camelot will fall with you." said Gaius, and Gwen felt the guilt stabbing in her heart. She knew Gaius was right. She needed to be alright for Camelot to be safe. But she couldn't rest until everything she had planned was done. Yet, she was _exhausted_ and she also knew she needed a rest. Still, not right now. Just a few more days, or weeks, then she could take her of herself and follow every instructions of Gaius. 

"I won't break Gaius, there is still fight left in me." answered Gwen, relief warming her soul when she caught the smile forming on Gaius' lips. She missed his smile. He hadn't smiled in weeks. No one had. No one.

"I know you do, Gwen. I am just worried about you. Everyone is." said Gaius, his head tilted to the side, gazing at her with his worried eyes. 

"I know." simply replied Gwen, her eyes softening and smiling at the man sitting in front of her. "I know I need to take some time for myself, and I will, but not before finishing all there is left to do. Someone needs to finish this and there is no else besides me who can do this. And I need this to be done. For them." 

Gaius' smile wavered and Gwen noticed the unshed tears behind his eyes. She wanted to take him in her arms and hold him, just like he did when she had broken down, when she found out about Arthur's passing. But she couldn't. Because she knew he didn't want to. He needed time and space just like she did. 

"They would have be proud of you. Especially Arthur. He would be really proud." simply answered Gaius, looking at her with gratitude and love, and Gwen felt the tears appear again and she was having a hard time controlling them. 

"I hope he would. This is what he would have done." said Gwen, swallowing forcefully, and blinking away her tears, with a sad smile on her face. 

"I _know_ he is." replied Gaius, moving his hand forward to rest it against her hand, which was resting at the desk. She looked down and saw him caressing her hand, gently, offering her the comfort she needed. 

"Thank you, Gaius." said Gwen, putting her other hand on top of Gaius'. She tapped her fingers on the back of his hand a few times, then let it go, pulling her hands away and resting them on her lap. 

A few moments of silence passed. And Gwen went through the hesitation of asking the question which had been burning her tongue ever since Gaius entered her room. But she couldn't say it, because a part of her knew the answer already, and hearing it out loud would only increase her pain,crush her hope and shatter her heart. She looked up to see Gaius already staring at her with a pained, yet understanding gaze. 

"I haven't heard from him. You would have been the first to know if-" 

"I know. I know." interrupted Gwen, waving her hand, as if it would erase the need to see her best friend. She bite her lips and opened her mouth to say something, but shut it again, throwing worried glances at Gaius. 

"What is it?" asked Gaius, with a small smile of his.

"I am just, really, really worried about him. And I _really_ want to see him." answered Gwen, her voice shaking as the pressure on her heart grew, making her breath stutter and making it harder for her to breathe properly. She cleared her throat, and stared at Gaius, with tears shining in her eyes, but not falling down. 

"I know, dear, I miss him too, very much." answered Gaius, and Gwen heard how his voice lowered by the end of his sentence, how he seemed so close to bursting down in tears. 

_ **"It's getting dark now, ** _

_ **You don't stay around ** _

_ **long enough to brighten ** _

_ **my days anymore." ** _

_ **\- O.l** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated, don't hesitate !
> 
> Chapter 3 is coming to you, next week!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. Home is such a lonely place without you

_ **"The world is very quiet ** _

_ **without you around." ** _

_**\- Unknown author**_

"Do you know if he visited his mother, at least?" asked Gwen, hoping to have a different answer than the one she had few days ago. 

"Just like I told you, Hunith hasn't seen him. She searched around but didn't find him. She went back to the village, but she is thinking about moving in to Camelot, with us." answered Gaius, with an apologetical smile. 

"She will be the most welcome. I can't imagine what she must be going through. Looking for a son who doesn't want to be found." 

A flash of deep hurt passed in Gaius' eyes but before she could apologize, he waved her apologizes away. 

"It's okay, Gwen." 

"No it's not, Gaius. None of which is happening is _okay_." said Gwen, and took a deep breath to control her emotions. 

"I know Merlin. If he wants to… When he will want to be back, he would. He is a very powerful sorcerer, he hides himself well." 

"He really does." said Gwen, and smiled when Gaius chuckled. 

"He must be in real pain." said Gwen, losing her smile, her eyes staring down, whispering. 

"I know." 

"I just wish I could help him." said Gwen, looking up and seeing Gaius sigh. 

"I know. But I think he is away, precisely because he doesn't want help. He thinks he doesn't need it." said Gaius, raising one of his eyebrows at her, making her chuckle. 

"He is a stubborn one, isn't he?" asked Gwen, her voice lowering, filled with nostalgia. 

"He is." answered Gaius, and Gwen noticed the sadness behind his voice and how his eyes were getting lost in the past. 

"I hope he comes back to us. I hope he's alright." 

She was met by silence, and knew the pain Gaius was going through. A few minutes later, Gaius flinched, as if he was brought back from whatever space he lost himself into. 

"I'm sorry, I -" 

"No please, don't apologize. You're hurt as much as I am, Gaius. Hiding it won't help… Do you want to talk about it?" asked Gwen, not knowing how to help him, feeling guilty for not offering help sooner. 

Gaius must have guessed where her mind was going, because he suddenly looked at her with a firm and serious expression. 

"Gwen. Don't do that. You've already a lot in your plate." said Gaius, kindly. 

"I know, but I want to help. Everyone is swallowed in their pain, and I don't know how to help and how to make it better, and it's killing me. I should be better at this." 

"You are. Don't beat yourself up about this. You can't wipe away pain and grief by a snap of your fingers. It takes time. It's going to take a lot of time, for the people of Kingdom, for the defenders of this Kingdom, to make peace with what happened with their King. Only time can help. We can't make the pain disappear, otherwise it would be too easy. "

A few moments of silence passed, before Gwen spoke again. 

"I feel like I am losing myself in it. And that I am losing everyone because the pain and suffering is pulling them down, and I fear that I won't be able to stop them and myself from disappearing in it." said Gwen, softly, her internal struggle clenching her heart, making it harder for her to breathe without feeling the ache in her soul. 

"That's why you're here. To give them hope. To give them light. To give them something new, and good to look up to. And this is exactly what you're doing with this new deal. You're giving everyone a new reason to keep living." answered Gaius, accompanying every word of his with confidence and trust. 

It made Gwen smile to see how much hope her people put in her. 

"Thank you, Gaius. But you still haven't answered my question. Do you want to… talk about it?" asked Gwen, desperately hoping that the attention would switch and focus on Gaius. As much as his words comforted her, they also hurted her. And she was worried about him too. She wanted to know if there was any way she could help him. 

"I don't know. Will talking help?" asked Gaius, frowning, yet a simple smile on his face, as he stared at Gwen with his eyes full of gentleness. 

"Maybe. You could try." simply answered Gwen, shrugging. 

"Hmm… I have a condition though." replied Gaius, with a glint his eyes, a glint she thought she would never see again in his mentor's gaze, and she smiled, she _really_ smiled, feeling happy that at least, one thing from the past life was still present in her current life. 

"I am not going to like it, am I?" asked Gwen, feeling slightly better. 

"Probably not. I only agree to talk my struggles, if you accept to talk about your pain." said Gaius, looking at her with the same look he had used at Merlin, or at her, wherever they were doing something dangerous or something he didn't agree to. She had missed this. The normal, simple days, where they would simply sit and talk about their days, and physics, and medical stuffs, with Gaius and Merlin. 

Sighing, Gwen knew that he wouldn't offer her help if she didn't accept his. So she nodded, feeling somehow pressured, yet extremely grateful and relieved. 

"We can do that. We can help each other." 

"We can help each other." repeated Gaius, with shining eyes and proud expression. 

Gwen was ready to ask him how he has been dealing with everything that had been happening, when she heard a knock, which made both of them jump slightly. She sighed, and looked at Gaius, apologizing with her eyes, as he bite on her lips, grimacing.

"Tomorrow?" asked Gwen, raising her eyebrows at him, making him smile. 

"Tomorrow." simply repeated Gaius, looking at her with gratitude and understanding. 

She stood up from her chair, and walked past the desk, to stand next to him. She looked down at him, and saw how small he seemed to be. She raised her hand and rested it against his back. 

"We're gonna be okay Gaius. And Merlin will be too."

_He had to be_, wanted to add Gwen, but thought better of it. 

Gaius only nodded, and smiled up at her, but she knew he was only smiling because he didn't want to worry her. She nodded then took her hand away, and walked toward the bedroom door, and opened it to see Leon standing in front of her. 

"Leon." said Gwen, smiling at him, feeling relieved when Leon smiled back at her. She saw the dark circles under his eyes and how tired and sleepless he was looking. She also noticed the redness in his eyes. 

Losing Gwaine had impacted every knight in the castle. But the most hurted ones were Percival and Leon. They never spoke about it to her, but she knew they were going through the same pain she desperately wanted to disappear from. 

"My Lady." said Leon, and when he received the look from Gwen, he smiled, looked down for a few seconds, then looked up again, staring at her with kind eyes and a caring expression. 

"Gwen." corrected Leon, and he darted his eyes away when she smiled at him, gazing at him with her own eyes filled gratitude. 

"The druids just arrived. The meeting can start as soon as you want it to." 

"I want to be done with this as soon as possible. We have so much more meetings to assist and more people to meet." 

Leon nodded. 

"I will accompany you to the Courtroom, my Lad- , Gwen." 

"Thank you, Leon." said Gwen, offering him a smile, thanking him silently for his presence and constant support. 

She turned around and looked at Gaius, who was now standing, away from the chair and the desk, a few feet away from her. 

"Tomorrow, Gwen. Good luck with the meeting. I'm sure you are going to do great. If you need anything, you know where to find me." said Gaius. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, Gaius. Thank you, for…" said Gwen, unable to finish her sentence, because there were so many things she needed to thank him for. 

"Thank _you,_ Gwen. For what you're doing." answered Gaius, with a watery smile, eyes shining. And she couldn't tell if it was because of the tears of pain or happiness he was feeling. Either way, it made her more determined to finish this deal with success. 

She simply nodded at him, and walked away, her arm linked on Leon's arm, leaving Gaius behind, who was so lost in his thoughts, he didn't even flinch when the door shut down behind Gwen and Leon, loudly. 

Gaius smiled, looking around, and finally let a few tears fall down on his face. He looked down and saw one of Arthur's shirt. He smiled, already imagining Merlin fussing, and yelling at Arthur for throwing things on the floor while he could simply put it on a chair, which would make his tasks easier. He looked around in the room, and smiled, noticing how nothing had changed. Everything was exactly the same way it had been when Merlin had last came here. Thinking about Merlin immediately brought an ache to his old, broken, heart and Gaius looked down, unable to look anywhere else because of how everything reminded him of Merlin. And Arthur. He walked away and closed the bedroom doors behind him. He nodded at the guards, who nodded back with a neutral expression, yet sympathy. He walked through the corridors, took the steps and found himself opening the door of his place, a few minutes later. He had kept his head down the whole time. It was easier to ignore the looks of regrets, sympathy and pity people always thrown at him. It made him angry and helpless. It made him wanted to scream at them. 

_"Stop looking at me like this, Arthur would be back!" _

_"Stop pitying me, Merlin would be back home! My son would be back home." _

He pushed away his tears, and shut his eyes closed, for a few seconds, to open them again. He swallowed, and took a deep breath, brought his hand up to unlock his door, and pushed the door open, and stood still. 

He stood still, and faced this new place, a home which had turned into an unrecognizable space in matters of days. Yet, everything was the same inside, his potions were still laying around, his bed was still in the middle of the room, the dinner table a few meters away, and his clothes on a chair, a few feet away from his desk where all his potions laid. 

Merlin's clothes had been on the floor, and now some of them were on the desk, some of them had been carelessly hanging on a chair, and they were now resting in Gaius' cupboard. 

Gaius sniffed, and walked into his house, and almost broke down crying when the familiar scent of _home_ hit him, making his knees buckle. He had to put his hand on his desk to support himself. He stood in the middle of this familiar, yet strange place, and looked around, as memories flashed right in front of his eyes, making him remember everything he lost. 

Merlin coming in for the first time in his life, years ago, and saving him from falling to the ground. Merlin eating on their dinner table, reading his magic book at the same time, trying to find a way to save Arthur's life. Merlin using his magic to clean the dishes as he cooked at the same time, while Gaius prepared his potions and told Merlin to stop using magic for everything, for which Merlin would answer with a cheeky smile and a wink. Merlin rambling about his day with Arthur, complaining about the King's behavior and manners, all the while trying to clean his room, while Gaius rolled in eyes, preparing dinner for the night. Merlin, sitting, patiently at the other side of the desk, while Gaius taught him everything about plants, potions and medicines. Merlin practicing his magic and trying to make it better, throwing things around, while Gaius yelled at him to be careful. Merlin pacing, worried and scared for Arthur, while Gaius did his best to help. Merlin and Arthur, arguing about whatever, while Gaius looked at them with amusement shining in his eyes. Merlin and Arthur, looking down on a corpse trying to find the magical reason of the cause of death, while Gaius researched in his books. Merlin and Arthur, yelling at each other about how Merlin's room was a mess and he shouldn't keep Arthur's bedroom the same way, while Gaius shook his head in annoyance and amusement. Merlin and Arthur, betting on whoever was going to win the tournament. Merlin and Arthur, sitting at the desk, with the little bottle of potion in their hands, waiting for the other to drink it first. 

Merlin and Arthur. 

Here and there. 

Everywhere and nowhere. 

** _"Grief is the price we pay _ **

** _for love." _ **

** _\- Queen Elizabeth II. _ **


	4. Hold on, pain ends.

**''** **Don't lose hope. **

**When the sun goes down, **

**the stars come out.'' **

He had lost them both. _How _did this happen? And _why_? How was he supposed to move on with his life while the two people who made it worth living it where both gone? How was he supposed to live in a Kingdom where the presence of its lost King was still so suffocating it made everyone harder to breathe? How was he supposed to live in this _place_, which had been once his home, alone ? How was he supposed to live with this ache in his heart and guilt in his head while he knew there was nothing which could make this pain disappear? How was he supposed to live with this hole in his heart, with the shredded pieces of his soul, knowing that the only person who would heal it would never come back to him? How was he supposed to wake up every morning and go on with his day without hearing the complaints coming from _his _room? How was he supposed to eat breakfast, on his table, all alone, and carry on with his day, without seeing the usual presence at the other side of the table?

How was he supposed to live without his son? How was he supposed to walk around in this big castle without seeing in every corner the mark _they _had left?

How was he supposed to live in this place, which was now empty and dark, and to keep giving hope to people, while he was feeling lost and lifeless?

How did everything go so _bad _so _fast? _

Thousands of questions where flashing in his mind for which he found no answers. Only new questions.

The room at the opposite side, was calling to him. And just like every other day, from the day he had lost the two of the most important people in his life, he looked away from the bedroom, ignoring its call, and ignoring his own want, and need, to open that door. He knew if he did it, if he fell for it, it would break him even more. And for now, the pain he was going through was sufficient enough. He needed to be strong, as strong as he could be in a situation like this. His people needed him to be hopeful, the Knights needed him to be helpful, and the Queen needed him to be useful. And for all of that, he needed to be strong. He couldn't break down now. He couldn't let his people down. He couldn't let Gwen down.

She was in so much pain, and Gaius knew he couldn't do anything to reduce it. What he could do was to help with her work. And in order to do that he needed to do some research. He needed to pick his books and look into them, take notes about everything he could find about magic and the druids. Gwen needed to know everything about it if she wanted to make magic legal in Camelot and convince other kingdoms to do the same.

Gaius smiled, as he finally walked toward his books, all already opened in his desk, and sat down on his chair. Gwen had told him about her idea the next day when everything had happened. She looked at him with teary eyes and whispered _"I owe it to him. The whole kingdom does. To the both of them.". _And Gaius had simply held her, as her shoulders shook and tears soaked his shirt.

He was so proud of her. She was a daughter for him, ever since she had came to Camelot with her father. She had been an amazing ward, a good friend for him and for Merlin, a wonderful wife for Arthur and a perfect Queen for the Kingdom. She was an incredible woman with so many talents and a great heart. She was amazing with dealing with so many responsibilities, which had been put on her shoulders way too early. Gaius was glad that she had help from her people and the Knights. She might feel lonely but Gaius hoped she knew she wasn't alone.

He sat down on his chair and looked at the side of his table, where rested the letter Hunith had sent him four days after the battle of Camlaan. He swallowed down, and moved his hand forward, taking the letter with his shaking fingers.

"_Dear Gaius, _

_I heard about Arthur's passing. I also heard about Merlin being missing. A part of me knows that I'll never see him again, I know how much Arthur meant to Merlin. I know how much he's hurting and blaming himself. I also know that he needs time. But the other part of me craves for him, to hold him in my arms and to tell him to come home. But I know that it is not what he would want. _

_But being a mother, I can't sit around her doing nothing, while every second my mind wanders to him and my heart looks for his presence. _

_I know you're worried about him too. I know probably most of the Kingdom is, after finding out the part he had played all these years in the survival of the Kingdom. Everyone must be looking for him, aren't they? Even if I have the hope to see him again, my heart tells me to say goodbye already, but I can't, Gaius. Even if I can't see him again, I want to feel him. I want to feel his presence and find comfort in it. _

_I heard about the Queen's new deal about legalizing magic in her Kingdom and in all others. Words travel fast around small villages. _

_I want to be there, Gaius. I want to help. He would have wanted me there, with all of you. He would have wanted me to be okay, and surrounded by family, and there is no one else for me here. I know how much you cared about him. You have been the father he had never had. And I know he has been the son you have always wanted. I also know he is loved by most of Camelot. I want to be there to feel it. To feel him. _

_I don't know if it's a good idea. But I can't be here anymore, with my blind hope to see him walk through my door. _

_I hope I will be welcomed in the house which had been my son's home for so long. And I can finally thank you for everything you've done for him. _

_I will reach Camelot in a few days, Gaius. _

_Your dear friend, _

_Hunith."_

Gaius put the letter down, and wiped away his tears, sniffing. _God, _it hurted. How was he supposed to face Hunith? How was he supposed to look at her knowing he hadn't been able to stop what happened? How was he supposed to welcome her with open arms while he was carrying the guilt of Arthur's death and the missing of her son, Merlin? How was he supposed to smile at her knowing he was the cause of her suffering?

How was he supposed to face her? To comfort her, while he was also drowning in pain? How could he be useful while he felt helpless?

He sighed and looked down on the letter, which now held the traces of his tears. He put the letter aside, and took his glasses to wear them. He needed to get some work done if he wants his mind to stop pestering him, putting him through pain he didn't want.

He looked toward Merlin's bedroom door, one last time, clenching his hand so hard it started to hurt, welcoming the pain, hoping it would ease the one in his heart, or at least distract him from it.

He took a deep breath, taking his books and focusing on the work he had to complete. He could do this. He always had been good with research. He could figure this out and help Gwen. He can't mess this up like he had done with everything else, like he had done with Merlin. Gwen trusted him and he couldn't break her trust. He couldn't let her down. Not again.

So he pushed away the questions which threatened to make him even more hopeless than he was currently feeling, and with one last quick, regretful look, at Merlin's bedroom door, Gaius opened his books, read, and took notes. In a few hours, Gwen would send some Knights to bring him to the Council Room, where he would participate in the meeting, share his thoughts and ideas about the new subject flourishing in the land of Camelot.

He knew he wouldn't see Merlin in the future, even if deep down he hoped he would see him before his passing. That would be such a relief. He can only hope and pray for him to return to him. But if he wouldn't… Gaius was immensely glad for the times they had spend together in Camelot, serving the King and protecting the people, together. He was incredibly proud of the young, wise, loyal man Merlin had become, so quickly, and would be forever grateful for their path crossing. They had made this world a better place. Gaius and Merlin. Merlin and Arthur. Gwen and Arthur. And everyone else, including the Knights and the people themselves.

The lost Knights and the lost King would be terribly missed. Merlin would be missed. They would feel their loss everywhere they would go, wherever they would look, they would see a mark left by the people who weren't with them today. But they would remember. God, they would remember them for a long, long time. They would talk about him for _centuries. _Gaius knew it, and it made his heart soar with happiness and pride, knowing he had the fortune to have known Merlin and Arthur, to have helped them become the men they had been. Their names would be remembered.

_Forever. _

No one would talk about Arthur without talking about Merlin. And no one would talk about Merlin without talking about Arthur. And no one would talk about either of them, without mentioning Guinevere.

Arthur and Merlin may have disappeared, but the Queen wasn't. She would carry on the legacy for the _both _of them. Gwen would make the following years full of peace and prosperity between the warlocks, the sorcerers, the Druids, the people of Camelot, the poor and the wealthy ones.

She would wear the golden crown, the heavy crown full of responsibilities and duties, and she would wear it with pride and love, loyalty and dedication. She would wear it as a devotion, as a memory. But the most of all, she would wear it as her _own. _It would be her strength. And she would become the strength of her Kingdom. She would rule her people with her kind heart and wise mind. Her people would _love_ her. She would remind them of the sacrifices Arthur and Merlin had made for the good of the Kingdom, because she would never stop reminding them. People would look at her, they would see goodness. Children would look at her and they would see bravery and strength. When they will talk about the Queen of Camelot they would think about hope. They would look at her and see everything they had lost, but they would also see everything that _she _was.

When they would speak about Guinevere Pendragon, they would talk about how she was the one carrying magic, strength, and courage they had lost, yet that she had so much more in her.

They would look at her and smile, because she was now a promise of a _**bright future. **_

_ **" Heavy is the crown ** _

_ **and yet she wears it as if it were a feather. ** _

_ **She is you, ** _

_ **a warrior, a champion, a fighter, ** _

_ **a Queen." ** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has read this story and for leaving kudos! 
> 
> Go check out my other fics if you liked this one <3 
> 
> See you all very soon :D

**Author's Note:**

> The title of the first chapter is a quote from Maya Angelou. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated!
> 
> I will see you all next week ;)


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